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(no subject) [May. 5th, 2014|03:36 pm]
There are some things that you can do nothing about, but there are some things that you can't.

These days, I very much want to try ayahuasca. Maybe I should sell everything and see if I can make it there.

I just think, if I really knew myself then everything would be alright.
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Thoughts [May. 3rd, 2014|07:02 pm]
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So I went to Korea for a holiday for 2 weeks which was amazing. The contrast of me there and me here in Ireland is black and white to be honest. There's a lot to write about the experiences of that vacation but I just want to write about a thought I had on the plane going to Incheon.

I was reading Robert Greens book, Mastery and, not that it's directly related, reading his books makes me self reflect a lot. And as I was reading, a thought came to me.
"What if the deeper feelings we have inside like frustration, anxiety, depression are just our soul's way of communicating to us the same way a baby cries to it's parents?"
When a baby cries, it doesn't necessarily mean it's sad. It's calling for attention before he/she has learned a language. Parent's over time have learned to differentiate between cries for attention, food, or actual distress and pain. To a non-parent, such as myself, this language is lost on me.

I think, similarly, the soul is the baby and the conscious me is the parent. In this dynamic, the baby is the most important. Without a happy and healthy baby, it's impossible for the parent to be happy.

For the longest time in my life, the way I treated my soul is the same way my parents treated me, ie. "We're just going to do what the conscious me decided (based on what other people told me to do) and that's the plan for us (conscious me and soul me)." And when soul me didn't like what was going on too much, I would get down, sad/depressed/frustrated (my souls way of 'crying' saying 'this isn't what's really good for us'), I would just ignore the message and drown out bad feelings with escapism like gaming, drinking, smoking. Even to just acknowledge that I felt down or depressed at some stage, which everyone does, felt stigmatising, as if it's a sign I'm a bad person or something.
But when using the parent and child analogy, it's the same as saying 'Your child cries sometimes? You're a bad parent.'

So, thinking of these emotions as a communication from my soul to by consciousness, it's easier to separate them from my identity and any kind of stigma.

In Korea for 2 weeks, I was so happy and so busy. I was hanging out and meeting so many people. I lost weight, on my holiday! I was really supported and cared for.

In Ireland, I'm depressed. I want to sleep all day and just let the time pass. I'm criticised and disregarded daily by my family. I feel like a fraction of the person I am in Korea.

It's easier to endure this depression knowing that this is just my soul's way of saying, "You really don't belong here. We need to go, now!"

To be able to properly separate the emotions from my feelings, I think I need to develop a more stoic personality. Just because I have these negative emotions doesn't mean that I have to react to them. They are a communication, a feedback loop only. They are not the measure of your worth and are not part of your identity.

Ah... writing this is just trying to convince myself really. But, I guess it's good to keep records of the darkest blacks and the whitest whites so that the picture in-between can show a lot of depth.
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My hope is back ^^ [Mar. 9th, 2014|03:48 pm]

I'm not sure if I wrote about it but at the end of November / beginning of December, I was really really excited about life. Really excited. More specifically, my career. I was dreaming of being an appreneur and making all my dreams come true with my business. I was waking up early, going to bed late, work was the first and last thing I thought about and that made me really happy.

What ALSO made me really happy was the fact that apparently, in my experience, when you have ambitious thought before bed you tend to dream about celebrities. More specifically, celebrities you admire as in having qualities you wish you had. Fortunately for me, the celebrities that I admire as being the nicest, most down to earth and hardest working people ever, also happen to be super hot dudes, hahah. So for about 8 our of 10 nights in a row I was dreaming I was hanging with my favourite kpop band TVXQ when there were five of them. It became so reoccurring that in my first dreams with them, I was like, OMG OMG OMG, and near the end of my dreams with them, I was like, 'Ah, hey guys. Hows it going?'. So my lack of social life was compensated for by my awesome lucid dreams which felt like hours. But as the difficulty of the world of apps revealed itself to me, these dreams quickly faded and my optimistic ambition was replaced by frustration and despair.

That is until two days ago when I found the answer to my problems that reignited my hopes and ambitions. Who knew software could taste so good? I didn't. So I was pleasantly surprised last night when I had a lucid dream where I was chilling with Max Changmin (of TVXQ). We were ice skating. He was very good but I was pretty good too. I think my ice skating abilities were influenced from watching amazing Initial D playthroughs on youtube. So while I was ice skating, I was backwards drifting like a demon, lol. Is drifting on skates possible? XD But yeah, he was very tall and very handsome and upon waking I just thought, 'God damn. Lets get back to work shall we?' ^^

On a separate note, I was listening to Jerry Seinfeld's interview on the Howard Stern Show, and Jerry goes, "Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with." - I think Playmaker with Unity could be that torture for me. It's early days yet, but it looks promising. :)
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Dreaming, waiting, hating [Mar. 3rd, 2014|02:21 am]

I had a dream last night.

The part I remember was driving in my car, going around the crescent along the Quay in Wexford. As I was driving around, I realize the brakes don't work. I try the hand break but that doesn't work either. I try to steer the car around the corner but I'm going too fast and end up driving into the river. Before I even hit the water I've already opened the door of the car and jumped out, but as I try to swim back towards the road, the car is sinking beside me and the water sucks me under. The car sinks, lower and lower, all the way to the bottom of the river about 10 meters down. As it sinks, it pulls me down with it as I uselessly try to swim up. I realize, I probably should have waited in the car until it was at the bottom, before getting out and swimming away. Shoulda woulda coulda. Finally I'm at the river bottom, looking up at the sun filtering down through the water. The water surface looks really close, but too far for me. I can't swim good and I can't hold my breath that long. Swimming the whole time, I actually start moving up but it's too late. My lungs are already burning. I'm going to die. Then I wake up.

From what I've read in dream dictionaries, driving a car means your control of your life, and water has to do with emotions. Add that to what's going on in my life right now and I think the message my subconscious is giving me is that my ambition, the way I'm living my life is killing the emotional/social side of me.

At first I thought, is this a warning to myself, to turn back? Where I'm driving us isn't the right direction. Maybe... But then again, the more off course one goes, the more stop signs one passes, the more remarkable the journey, and hopefully the destination will be. To be remarkable is to achieve what others refuse to achieve. To drive where others don't dare to drive. To drive where I don't dare to drive.

Living where I'm living, the way I'm living is painful to me right now. I just want to skip this chapter and jump into the next one. Lying in bed all day in a coma is preferable compared to spending the day conscious in this down. I've cut out anything remotely good in my life so I can do nothing but focus on where I want to go in life. Basically I've lit a bed of hot coals under myself and all around, only straight in front where my goals are, is it nice to be. I thought this set up would motivate me to run in that direction but it's actually weakened me. I'm crawling in that direction.

I shouldn't keep thinking, I want this chapter to end. It's more like, I should hurry up and end this chapter. Seoul, Wellington, Cape Town, Spain, Peru... lots of places waiting for me. Currently stuck in Wexford, slowly pushing this narrative forward, so that I can end this chapter.
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Mental Dream Last Night [Oct. 31st, 2013|12:26 pm]

Just woke up. Only got 15 mins to write this before dashing out the the door to work. But it felt like a meaningful dream that would be worth disecting later.

Uh, its really fragmented. The earliest part I can remember is being with a group of people on holiday, my age, walking around one of the people's fancy estate. We walked outside and saw a conservatory in the back garden all wooden and glass. Kinda steam punk looking and very expensive/fancy. Through the glass I saw a mini pool table, so I ran in. The table was tiny and the cues were tiny and I was giggling at the size of it. The owner of the place, some girl said there's other tables here if you don't like the size of it. I turned around and the place kind of turned into a pool hall, with 6 pool tables of different sizes and shapes. I ran around inspecting them all, noticing that even one table didn't have a cushion on 2 or 3 of the sides, so there was just the pockets on that side of the table and if the ball didn't go in, the ball would just fall off of the table.

One of the other girls asked me if I wanted some water. I walked over to the glass water dispenser. Like a big fancy water cooler made of glass, metal and wood. She hit a switch and poured water for herself in a little cup and drank it. I tried to do likewise but when I pushed a button, water gushed out uncontrolably and soon fish and everything were in the water cooler flying out of the thing with the gushing water. I ran away not wanting to look at the dying fish saying "I don't know I don't know. I don't know." The person that owned the place fixed it. I went back to the water cooler to see a dead shell-less crab lying dead beside the watercooler. no fish though. it kinda made me feel bad because i killed him.

Then everyone sat around that area, spilled water apparently gone. Some guys came in with some radio controlled thing, like a big toy, but i didnt have much interest in it. I walked out of the conservatory only to see like a metal dragon/butterfly thing that looked kinda mean, about 4 foot high, right outside the consevatory door. I ran back inside asking the others if they saw what I saw. They were busy doing their own thing and were like, 'It's fine.' I looked at the dragon/butterfly thing again and noticed that there were metal rods coming out of it and to one direction. I looked at the rods and a few meters away a little boy was holding them. The dragon/butterfly thing was some kind of figurine puppet thing. I was impressed with this crazy looking toy. Looking back at the dragon thing, it had changed into a little half godzilla half Unit-01 from Evangelion. I got really excited and was like "oh wow! It's Unit-01! Awesome!" No one else really cared except for the boy, so i went to chat with the boy. He saw a truck drive by, like an icecream truck but it sold little toys, capsule toys and trading cards and stuff like that. He ran down to buy something asking me to go with him. I started walking down and my cousin Stephen saw me walking down the street.
"Hey, do you remember those Asakuza burgers we wanted to buy the other time?"
"(not really) Uh, yeah?"
"Well, they're selling them in MacDonnalds now down the road but only for a limited time. Do you want to go get one?"
"(Not feeling hungry) Ok. (Worrying about my diet)"

So I tell the boy we're going to Macdonnalds. We walk into a mall and I notice a clothes shop I like. I ask the boy, can I just go in quick and take a peek. He goes sure, but like, hurry up. So I walked in, and it was like a cool clothes shop with japanese staff. Like suddenly we're in japan. The guy behind the counter says my name and I'm wondering if I heard right. Then I walk round to the counterr and see the guy calling my name with a little stack of clothes. He goes, Grace, we got those clothes in that you ordered from last time. I took them and said thanks. He goes, the changing rooms are over there, and pointed to the side hallway. I walk over and theres a little queue. Lady with pram and small kids, some other woman and a man. Theres two doors for changing rooms, a massive door that everyone was waiting for but i noticed the small door with a picture of a woman on it, so i walked in there. It was a pretty big changing room, like a long hallway with a door at the end for staff it seemed. i didnt really care if someone walked in.

I took off my pants and went to try on some new pants. I noticed there were only tops in the bundle of clothes. I put my pants back on and then took my top and bra off. As I did that, some japanese girls walk in. I stand to the side to make room for them to pass by, while covering myself. One of them, as they walk by, pinches my arm really hard. I was like "What the fuck?" They look back and giggle at me while kicking my clothes and the clothes i had to change into, out the changing room door. I follow, not very embarrassed about being semi-naked, thinking, well it's their fault. Suddenly past the door instead of being in the clothes shop, it was the hallway of the mall, on one of the higher floors. As I exited the door, the pinchy japanese girl is looking at me standing at the railing of the hallway with my clothes hanging over the bannister. She drops them giggling and my clothes fall several floors below, scattering. Then she walks away. Really pissed off, I follow her. The girls go to a cafeteria to meet up with some old dude to hit on. I (now looking from a 3rd person perspective and not really me, i guess the character I'm rooting for in this story) is sat staring that the two bullies. Eventually the pinchy bully has enough of it and picks up her ice cream and dunks it on my characters head. Then she starts picking up food and throwing it at other bystanders and trying to blame it all on me. It takes a second to see if people really fall for this but they dont. Some cops come by and grab her and say, "No! You're the one that did it!"

Then I woke up.
Long, mental, and took 25 mins to write. late for work.
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Todays Highlight [Jan. 17th, 2013|08:48 pm]
Currently on a skiing trip with 캐명택관도,

Having a good time, being surounded by children but by far the best bit was realising that the guy in my TKD who I've had a crush on for ages isn't actually a highshool student. I thought he was 18 and in highschool, but appaently hes 20 and in university which makes me not a paedophile :D
So happy!

But Korea counts age weirdly, so in real age he still might be 18 but I'm going to mentally stick with 20.
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Goal setting and achievements [Oct. 21st, 2012|12:50 pm]

So recently I've been doing goal setting to try and have a less wandering life. Just little things but big to me. Since writing my goals, I've done two. Bought my flights to Japan for my holidays in January for extremely cheap ^^ and also built my own pc for the very first time.

So being in Korea for my second contract and starting to write goals half way though this year, it made me think, what did I do with my first 6 months? I didn't save as much money as I would have liked so where did it all go? Then as I think back, I was pretty busy actually and I don't even remember most of it. Time flies here pretty fast so, what was three months ago seems like... I dunno, I was a different person then even.

So yeah, list of things that I did on this contract so far achievements and memorable things.

Finished Animation Mentor.
Graduated from Animation Mentor.
Went to America, San Francisco for the first time ever.
Visited Dreamworks.
Climbed Korea's second highest mountain - Chiri-san.
Went Kayaking for the first time ever.
Went to the Andong Mask Festival and saw a bunch of cultural stuff.
Went to Jinju, Seokcho and Soraksan and saw more of Korea.
Went to Pohang and saw my friends play.
Went to a Korean language class that turned out to be run by a religious cult.
Been my lowest weight since my teens.
Been the fittest that I've ever been in my life.
Training in TKD like a demon and finally feel like a black belt, not just wearing one.
Got my diet under control the best I have ever in my life.
It's my first time to live alone.
I hosted my Aunty Mary coming to Korea.
I helped my brother Chris come to Korea.
Went to Niyi's and Christine's birthday party, Cliffs leaving party.
I've gotten to beginner level Korean.
I've begun my life long learning of finance and acquired the goal of being financially free.
Developed an interest in real estate and investing.
Developed an interest in being an entrepreneur.
Developed an interest in charity and donated a sizable amount of cash to charity for the first time.
I had a crazy incident with some Korean gansters and jumped out of a moving car relatively unscathed.
I lost my iPhone three times and gotten it back three times.
Went to my first Kpop concert, SM Town and it was Awesome!!!
Attempted the Drawforme blog.
Become the most mentally and emotionally balanced that I've ever been.
Learned who I am and what I want more than I ever have in my life. Dropped a lot of baggage.

Yeah that's all that I can think of. When I look at it like this, the past 6/7 months has been pretty busy.
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Teams make it better [Aug. 29th, 2012|10:51 am]
I've always had an interest in leadership, recently I've started reading books either on the subject or about business which inevidibly talks about leadership at some stage.

To me, being a leader means that I want to be the best me that I can be and that can't be done by just following people your whole life.

So, last night I was in TKD. The instructor has us spread out along the walls of the training room to balance onto the wall and practice our kicks together. Generally you hold the pose of the kick, and do the kick without resetting your pose, so you're on one leg for the duration of practicing the kick, hence why you need to hold on to the wall for balance. This practice is really important and can immediately be felt on your muscles. The results are tangable too, in how many kicks you can do without wavering and how high you can make those kicks. This exercise is at best ok, at worst, a bit of torture. Last night was a little bit torturous.

The instructor said, each person count off 10 kicks. There were nine of us so that's 90 kicks in a row without dropping your leg (well, you're not supposed to). At about 30 you're already feeling it. At 60 peoples legs are dropping. When we finally finish the 90, we always crumple into a crouched position, unable to use the leg for standing, trying to get rid of the ache.

As we were practicing all the different kicks in this way, I thought to myself. Just get to 90. Just keep going. When ever it was your turn to count, you always tried harder, since it was your turn to lead how can you tell someone to do what you can't do.

At one stage the ache got so intolerable that I thought to myself "The ONLY way that I would try to do 90 kicks repeatedly like this is in THIS situation." You would want to be a maniac to do this kind of training in your spare time, but it's doing this kind of training that makes you grow, develop and eventually turn great.

I go to TKD Monday to Friday 8pm - 10:30. The toughest thing about going there is deciding to go there when I'm not in the mood. The team takes care of the rest. My development in TKD is consistent and strong. Even though my weight fluctuates due to my diet and partying, I'm consistently improving my kicking techniques, strength and flexibility.

There are other things in life that I try harder for with less results but it's the having a team that ensures that my TKD gets better and better. I realise now that if I want to be good at something, I must join a team for it or create one about it.

I need a diet team, an investment team, a business team, a Korean learning team, a fashion team, a lesson planning team. Everything is better in teams... in terms of work and growth that is. There are good teams and bad teams but overall, team power for the win.
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Live now to Enjoy the future. [Aug. 26th, 2012|11:15 pm]
Live now to enjoy the future. If there are roses around, stop to smell them, but don't complain if you've stepped in shit. It's from shit that roses grow.

Actually while feeling somewhat sorry for myself, I started watching JYJ videos. DBSK are my obsession. They're a band that has had a lot of struggles. A LOT. And they take them all on with sincerity, hard work, modesty and kindness. It's rare to hear them talk about their troubles. When asked they normally try and side step the question, trying to appear positive for audiences, but even when talking about their troubles, they don't blame, they don't feel sorry for themselves in their situation. They honestly tell their hopes for a better future and how hard they are working currently to endure and over-come their current problems.

It's this spirit which I find lacking in myself and desperately what to correct.
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Isolated [Aug. 26th, 2012|10:47 pm]
Currently in Uiseong, Gyeongsanbuk-do, Korea. I'm pretty isolated here. From friends. From family.

At first, isolated from family was a nice thing. Isolated from friends, not so much but sure I could always make new friends. But this town is kind of strange. There no one here my age. The few foreigners here that I do spend time with, generally drive me mental. Apart for one or two.

What to do...

6 months in and it's wasn't a problem. It's becoming a problem. 6 months to decide what to do with the rest of my life. I should go back to the real world. I was planning on investing in real estate, then get a job in Rockstar Leeds... That job in Leeds seems pretty far away though. A real job in animation seem pretty far away.

I'm just writing this because I'm lonely. Lonely for someone who will understand me. Lonely for people that I can really connect with. I just want to have like minded friends, be an animator that works in games and financially free, with a good looking sensitive intelligent and nice boyfriend. Is that so hard?!?!?

My spirit is getting tired. Only good conversation can really nourish it. Good experiences. The girls in Pohang are good conversation. Niki is good conversation. I guess it means that I should plan my weekends better. Spend my time reading more. Planning my happiness. Planning my goals. Don't be lazy. Don't be negative. Don't be escaping into boredom. Plan. Work. Plan. Work. My friends aren't here so I can't play even if I wanted to. So, make use of this time. This gift. Do the things that I otherwise couldn't. Train. Sweat. Work. Peel away the mediocrity. Carve a new, stronger, disciplined self. Carve a brave self. Carve a new you.
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